Every now and then you get one of those emails that make you burst out in an absolute fit of laughter – know what I mean?  Well, I got one from a friend from my college days where she reflects on the experience of watching her 30 something year-old brother marry his 3rd wife…get ready to laugh with reckless abandon!

- Swati

p.s. Yes, I realize some of you may have thought I meant my wedding announcement…but no…

THE WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT

Sorry, dear, I got your message that you were searching for my brother’s wedding announcement in the paper. You just must have missed it. Perhaps the paper accidentally put it in the obits instead? At any rate, I have copied it for you below…

After 20 years of waiting, we are happy to announce the marriage of Tim Holder to Jackie Sang on Saturday, August 21, 2010. Following a made-for-TV melodrama involving a failed marriage to a neurotic bisexual vegan vegetarian from Slovakia and a whiplash ill-conceived marriage that ended in annulment to a psychotic Brazilian adult film star 15 yrs his junior, Tim finally decided to marry the girl of his family’s dreams – with NO BAGGAGE.

The wedding was officiated by a mystical looking preacher woman of unknown origin and attended by a small group of the groom’s overweight family members as well as Jackie’s loving and beautifully dressed relatives from Thailand. The bride wore a lovely traditional Thai gown of white with hand-embroidered gold embellishments.

The groom wore an ill-fitting suit and shoes that didn’t match. The father of the groom wore Sears off-the-rack circa 1978 and the mother of the groom wore shoes “2 sizes too small.” The wedding was lovely and surprisingly uneventful, despite the shifting of the earth’s platelets as the groom’s parents, recently divorced only 35 yrs ago, were awkwardly forced to be in the same room together without incident.

Hi Everyone – I thought I would share a little update on goings on with my book, some of my posts at Working Mother Magazine, and what I’ve been doing on The Single Mothers Chronicles Facebook page….so first the book…

I am so happy to say that there is a publisher interested in my book!  I am not going to say which one as we have not  yet executed our contract (and I really hope I am not jinxing myself) but I am really, really, really excited.  Naturally, I am not done with the book …and I have an idea for yet another book…yikes!  Focus, focus, focus Swati…

Have you been checking out my incredible blogs posts (I’m shameless, thus the Supermom image on this post) at Working Mother Magazine?  Please don’t tell me you haven’t been out there – I just couldn’t take it! Here are three of my favorites – and leave me a comment if you can so I know you came :

1) Work at Home, Work Outside the Home?  When Does the Quandary End? (Guess what? I’m up to more stuff…)

2) The Orzo Chronicles: Our First 72 Hours With Our Puppy (Yup, all about life with puppy)

3) Quotable Quotes and Conversations From the Little Peanut in My Peanut Gallery (You’ll revisit a couple favorites like “what’s humping?” but also experience a few new ones!)

And please also make sure you check out the Single Mothers Chronicles Facebook page! There’s lots of cool stuff out there like recipes, fun and informative articles (Common Sense Tips to Keep Your Kids Safe, recipes, like this one for Pecan Encrusted Tilapia, other tips like Healthy Snacks Kids and Parents Love), and general chit-chat too…check it out and feel free to “LIKE” the page (I feel like Valley Girl every time I say that)!

Have a super day!

Swati

Scene One, 7:17am:

Single mom peacefully sitting outside local Starbucks with Orzo (our six-month old Cavalier puppy) one Friday morning…daughter inside getting herself banana bread and getting me a decaf coffee.

Scene Two, 2 minutes later:

Disheveled stranger with adorable grey poodle plops at the table next to me.  Opens laptop and begins clicking away.

I feel a stare and look over at him, casually.  He is staring at me, not at all casually.

”I’m working until the coffee line goes down.  That’s why I don’t have anything yet.”

Oooo…kay?  Okay.  I only stare back.

Said poodle looks antsy.  Why?  Running all over the place – more than my puppy, more than my daughter at age four when she drank almost a full pitcher of lemonade.  Oh. Puppy really needs to go!  Owner bangs away at laptop.  Click clack, click clack.

Scene Three, 1 minute later:

Poodle begins running all over the place, first pees twice within 6 inches of my foot, then on a Starbucks chair then tangles into Orzo’s leash, where he pees again.  Owner *very* busy at laptop, notices nothing.  Poodle pees again, at the table his master is typing away at!

Click clack click clack! (Intense typing now)

Scene Four, 1 minute 33 seconds later:

How long before a Barista decides dogs won’t be allowed here anymore?

Surely if he noticed his dog was going to burst he would walk him four steps to that tree right there?  And pour a little water to dilute the pee on the Starbucks chair, table, and pole?  Surely.  Or look at all…embarrassed?  Surely?

I can’t help it…so…“Ummm,” (smiling) “Excuse me? I think he may need a small walk as he keeps peeing?” Smile, blink, blink.

He smiles back, laughing “with” me.  Grrr.

Then he nods in agreement.  Click click, click clack!  Grrr.

Click click, click clack!

Scene Five, 49 seconds later:

Poodle pees again.  We run for fear of what’s coming out of said poodle next, adorable (and completely ignored) as he is.

Hi Everyone -

Just taking a mini-pause in my short story to let you know that my bloggy pal Tess has profiled me on her blog – check out her post of June 9th!

http://www.sixfeetunderblog.com/

She’s a writer, a mom of three (thus “six feet”), a blogger, and an amazing social media guru – so I am MORE THAN just a little honored to have her dedicate a post to me!

Thanks Tess!!

XO – Swati

Hi Everyone:

J. and I are off to Arizona for Memorial Day…which compels me to explain that we planned this trip before all the immigration craziness broke out (again) and you should send me cupcakes in case you  see me getting arrested and/or deported…though J. promises to rescue me if anything happens…but I did eat up the cookie I was saving for him the other night, so you never know.

Having noted that we were to arrive to 90+degree weather, I donned a t-shirt and shorts for the trip…only to pay $8.00 so I could buy (yes, BUY) a blanket on the plane(because if you aren’t in first class, you ain’t getting one for free).  I had to get one because it was Alaska-day on the plane (no it wasn’t, but it could have been because it was frigid).  My self-righteous bubble popped seconds later when I discovered I liked the blanket!  It was Winnie-the-Pooh soft and enclosed was a coupon for $10 off at Bed Bath and Beyond if I spend $30 there (err…not a problem).  Some marvelous marketing person has gotten the best of me again.  (Speaking of which, marketing is one thing that perplexes me – I mean how do you come up with “Just Do It”?  And when you do, how the hell do you know “Just Do It” is better than “Get Your Ass in Gear”?  Marketing ploys always work on me).

Our flight arrived thirty minutes early (hooray!)…and J. surprised me by renting a convertible mustang – it was SUCH a treat after waiting an hour for Budget to give us (and sixteen others) our cars during their shift changes and breaks….the wind in my hair and all that glamour-gal stuff came immediately to mind.

As I jumped in the car, I saw the temperature gauge in the car: 101 degrees outside!  When the car was moving we got a strong breeze so it cooled us off to 99 degrees, with the A/C blasting.  I then pulled out my new airline blanket and threw it over my thighs so they would only be scorched to medium and not well-done from the sun’s lava rays.  (And now I see why everybody wears all those layers – my legs were cooler under the blanket than in the sun!)

Upon arrival at our hotel, we went straight to the pool with our books and magazines, and we ordered up some margaritas.  Ahhh…!

I’m now smiling a little wider than the Grand Canyon.  I am in a lovely room (Jacuzzi outside – ready for use at night when it’ll be 68 degrees) with the man I love, and we are relaxing, relaxing, relaxing all weekend!  Golf, spa and yummy meals await us – I can’t wait!

Have a super weekend!

Swati

Hi All:

The other day, as my daughter was transforming from stinky to sweet and back again, I started thinking about the craziness and the emotional highs and lows of motherhood…which is what led me to this post.  Here is a collection of my musings, quandaries and, in authentically-me fashion, GRRR moments…feel free to add your own and enjoy the read!

1. My shoe size changed as a result of my pregnancy (I went from a seven to a seven-and-a-half).  I hear this happens a lot.  Five years later, my feet went BACK to being sevens!!  No joke!  Has anybody else experienced this?
2. My hips remain wider as a result of the pregnancy; they have not shrunk back. Has anyone else experienced this…?
3. If I burn the cheese on the pizza when it’s cooking, does it reduce the calories? Same question for Chocolate Chip cookies.  My daughter and I will continue to eat both, regardless, but I like to be well-informed.
4. I graduated summa cum laude from undergrad, went to a top three business school and have saved many companies millions of dollars…so WHY can’t I get my eight-year-old to brush her teeth and go to bed on time?
5. When I broke up with my last boyfriend, my daughter asked why; I told her he wanted to marry me, and I didn’t want to marry him…just like the one before him…she paused and then queried: ”Mommy, why do you only date people you don’t want to marry?” GRRR…
6. Many moons ago, my mom said to me, “I know there’s gravity and all – but I’ve always wondered why you can’t tell you’re upside down when you’re in India or Australia?” My mom and I had such a hearty laugh over the silliness of her statement!  Umm…I still can’t answer that question.
7. I get all melty when I see my daughter slumbering in her sugar-plum way.  Every night
8. After I had my daughter and it was time to leave the hospital, I started freaking out (as the nurse started insisting that I had to take my daughter with me )…what if I fed her wrong?  What if I diapered her wrong…or forgot to do these things on time?  What the hell did I know about being a mom…?  That’s when my sweet, patient nurse whispered to me,” Honey, don’t worry, she won’t know if you’re doing it wrong.”  I want to hug that nurse now, eight years later, but I don’t know where she is.
9. At age 3 my daughter said: “Mommy, my butt itches…on the inside.”  (I know I’ve mentioned this one in a previous post, Observation on How the World Works According to Our Kids, but it bears repeating.)
10. I wonder what my daughter will be when she grows up?  I wonder what I will be she grows up?

I know I’ve been a bit slow with the postings lately…I’m cranking away on updates for my book proposal (post receiving some terrific feedback) and I want to get it back into several people’s hands before they forget all about me .  I appreciate you bearing with me during some teeny pauses.

Have a super week!

-          Swati

Now that J. and I have managed to purchase some dishes together, (read The Commitment to catch up on that delicious moment), I have to admit I am smiling like a love-struck puppy day and night.  I adore our new dishes and the thought of our joint foray to Bloomies makes my heart go pitter-patter, pitter-patter…thump, thump…

Ten days after our ‘We-are-so-committed-purchase,’ J. called me and said, “I bought another item for our new lives together, Honey.”

I was GIDDY with anticipation.  How sweet is this man???

“What did you get?”  I asked, holding my breath.

“I got an XBOX-360!” he exclaimed.

WHAT?!?!

Hi Everyone:

Have you ever looked at a particular celebrity and wished you were like them?  Yearned for their self-confidence, their style, their sure-fire ways to success?  A friend of mine recently forwarded this article to me from Oprah.com – it’s an excerpt of Kathy Kinney’s book Queen of Your Own Life (Kinney played Mimi on The Drew Carey Show).  The article is a wonderful blend of humor:

“Even if I felt happy that must mean soon all hell was about to break loose and I would lose my job, contract a horribly disfiguring disease or be kidnapped by angry rebels, who would not release me until their demands were met to have their handsome and charismatic leader set free. This last scenario was particularly imaginative as I was not employed, as you might think, at the United Nations but was working as a receptionist for a wig company.”

and self-discovery:

“Do I have a gift and, if so, why do I have a gift? Why did Sarah Bernhardt and Mozart have a gift? I’m not saying I have that big a gift,” I bellowed. “But why do some people have gifts and others don’t?” Why? WHY? WHY!?! There was silence, as if I was in a vacuum, and then this thought came clearly into my head: “Don’t question. Be grateful. Help others.” It resonated so strongly for me that I burst into tears.”

and raw truths:

“I’m afraid to fail, afraid to succeed, afraid to live and afraid to die.”

She’s strong, she’s a puddle, she’s inspirational…and she’s human.  Take a few minutes to enjoy this read – I am off to buy the book now!

Swati

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Take-Your-Checklist-of-Worries-to-the-CEO-of-Happiness/1

OR

http://tinyurl.com/35edvzs

Hi Everyone:

A single mom friend of mine recently sent  me this little Mother’s Day note (author unknown)…and I couldn’t resist sharing it with you.  Wishing all of you a wonderful celebration with your kids (that’s code for I hope you don’t have to wake to the sound of your angel(s) screaming, pick up the solid trail of laundry in your hallway, accidentally step on your toothbrush which is somehow wedged into the floor, figure out how to remove and smell from the family room, or….)

Enjoy the read!!!

- Swati

A Newborn ‘ s Conversation with God

A baby asked God, “They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?”

God said, “Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you.”

The child further inquired, “But tell me, here in heaven I don’t have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy.”

God said, “Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you.  And you will feel your angel’s love and be very happy.”

Again the small child asked, “And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don’t know the language?”

God said, “Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak.”

“And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?”

God said, “Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray.”

“Who will protect me?”

God said, “Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life.”

“But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.”

God said, “Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you.”

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, “God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel’s name.”

God said, You will simply call her, “Mom.”

Lift a mother ‘s spirit; send this to every mother you know (no matter how old her child is).
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!

One day, He is talking about their future lives together.  On a different day, She is talking about their future lives together.  So far, the exact day when each of them is “ready” never intersects.  They talk of this very fact and smile at themselves.  He and She are both confident; He and She are both a teeny bit scared.

The second time around can be such a bear.

Then this conversation happens.

He:  You really need a new couch.

She: I would be happy, Mr. X, to buy a couch with you, a flat screen with you, anything with you.  But I refuse to buy any more stuff alone for my single mom life.  I am not single anymore, am I?

His eyebrows go up.  He is surprised. He pauses.

She needs a tangible act of commitment.  She is surprised to hear herself asking for it

He: Ok Honey.  Sounds good to me.

He smiles.  An internet search on “SOFA” is launched by Him.

She: And I am donating my dishes to charity this week; do you want to start by buying some dishes together this weekend?

She pushes further with a direct gaze.

He: Do you want to just use the dishes I have?

She:  Nope,  I want to know if you want buy dishes with me.

He: Yeah, I do.  Let’s do it.

Saturday comes and they go to pick out a lovely set of dishes.  She imagines each of them pulling out their credit cards grandly, to make this joint purchase.  The clerk informs them that if He opens a new credit card account (as She has one already) they can save some money.  Ok, She thinks, I’ll just pay Him back, as He completes the necessary steps to make the purchase on His new card.

She returns to her reverie…imagining Them eating on the dishes that night…

The clerk interrupts her thoughts to explain that the dishes are out of stock and will arrive in two weeks.  Grrr, She thinks.

As they walk to their car, She is melty down to her toes about making this joint purchase as a couple, regardless of the details.  And He is amused and happy to make Her happy, just as committed as He was before the whole shopping expedition.

p.s. Now that’s the kind of Commitment I like…and I sure am happy about the dishes J. and I have just purchased “together.”  Except…WHO IS GOING TO WASH THEM?!