Floating Hippo

What a nutty week I’ve had! Ok, a nutty year (and an obvious lack of diligence on my part when it comes to writing anything…)

Anyway, my daughter and I were out for a walk and she decided we had to play a game: “Mom, you must pick between one thing or the other…you MUST pick only one of the two.”  (Emphasized immediately, in case the rules were not clear.)

I nodded back, amused, already planning to multi-task in my head.

“Ok, what would you pick, Mom, Hippos or Purple? You can only have one and never have the other for the rest of your life!  The. rest. of. your. life. Mom.”

What?  I was expecting “Hippo or Giraffe” and “Purple or Red.” But Hippo vs. Purple?

I started to contemplate. Well purple is kind of like my favorite color, blue. And could I stand not to see a lavender plant ever again? But Hippos are so chubby and cute…and I will always look skinny next to one….and I do love Hippo and Dog singing Lion Sleeps Tonight on YouTube (a must see)…and what about grape popsicles?  Could I do without dark purple eye shadow? Have you ever seen a hippo float? It’s adorable (obvious from the photo above from vacation to Animal Kingdom this summer).

I did this for a good 12 minutes and my daughter never rushed me – this was a serious game.

In the end, I chose Hippo over Purple – (Purple, I want you to know that it was so close.

My daughter paused and gave me a serious look, then a quick nod of her head to mark the solemn moment we just had.

I have a strange urge to draw a hippo, and color her purple; don’t you?

Cherished Memory #503

Scene Setting & Characters:

One innocent Mommy, driving from point A, to B, to C, to (sigh)…on a Saturday morning with her then-six-year-old daughter in the car.

ACTION!

Kid: “Mom, you know Blah Blah, from my class?  ’Blah blah says “X@!#XX!” all the time and so does So-and-So.”

Mom: “Really? Oh my goodness. I can’t believe kids are saying those bad words! What potty mouths!”

Kid: “And So-and-So also told his big brother to  “go to X%$!@&!” at the playground!”

Mommy: “What? Oh my.”

Kid: “And Blank Blank called her sister a “^^&!!)D@”!

Mom: “Yikes Sweetie. That isn’t good.  I wish people wouldn’t talk like that.”

Silence.  Mom trying to think of a way to deliver a lecture about bad words without sounding lecture-ish.

Kid: “Mom?”

Mom: “Yes?”

Silence.

Kid: “Sometimes when you’re mean to me I call you some of those bad words in my head.” (frowny face, guilty look, about to cry lip-quiver over the admission)

Mommy: (Hold it. Hold. It. Nope. Not working.) Bursts out in laughter! And, before she can stop herself, says,”I used to do that with my mom too!”

End Scene: Cherished Memory #503

You may remember me writing about kissing kids (and fainting mommies)  not too long ago.  And now, I know what you’re thinking.  How could a training bra possibly be linked to eating boogers.  Am I right?  Of course I am.

I’ll tell you how they’re related.  Read on at your own risk.

1:12:00pm Mommy: Driving along innocently last Saturday, happy about how sunny it is in late October, happy about…

1:13:00pm Daughter: “Mom? Can I have a training bra? My friend <Blah Blah> has one and so does <Blah> and <Blah>.”

1:13:30pm Mommy: WHAT?!  WHAT?!  But! But! You’re just…WHAT?

1:13:50pm Mommy: “Hmmm, really honey? I didn’t know that they had them.”

1:14:00pm Daughter: “They do.”

1:14:10pm Daughter: ”So when can I get one?”

1:14:50 Mommy: “Uhh…errr…let me think about when we have time to shop, ok?  We’re really busy.”

1:14:57 Daughter: “ Ok…..Mom?”

1:15:00pm Mommy: Crap. WHAT NOW? “What?”

1:15:05 Daughter: “Did you know that <Blah>, <Blah>, and <Blah> still eat their own boogers?”

And there you have it…presenting the world of a nine-year-old: training bras, and booger eatin’ all rolled into a three minute conversation.

I need a hot fudge sundae dammit.

One quick recommendation while we are on the subject of boogers…as we head into flu season.  If your kid is one of those kids with a nosey full of boogies, try out SinuCleanse.  It’s a safe and simple way to clear out your kids’ nasal passages with a saline solution (which is what the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends).  It has an easy to aim nozzle that does not need to be inserted into the nostril…check it out so they don’t eat ‘em!

- Swati

“Mom, did you know Lauren kissed a boy last year? She didn’t tell her mom so don’t tell her ok?”

Who is Lauren? Who is Lauren?! How old is she? What the hell is going on?

“Umm…do I know Lauren?” Who IS she?! Who IS she?!

“Remember she has blond hair, and blah, blah, blah…?”

She’s THREE years younger than you! And you’re only nine!

“Oh yes. I remember her honey.” Her mom would crap!

Breathe.

“Mom, you know five girls in my class have crushes on Max? They all told him too.”

WHAT?? I was at least eleven or twelve before I told my BFF I had a crush and under NO circumstance was she allowed to share that!

“Really sweetie? He’s a nice boy. Do you have one too?”

Oh God. Oh. God. Oh God.

“No Mom, of course not.” Gorgeous smile, eyes rolling. “Anyway, three girls in my class have already kissed boys. I don’t l think their moms know either.”

What?? It’s not even the boys kissing the girls anymore??! It’s the girls?! I need to sit down. Where the hell is my house?

“Mom?”

“Yes…?” Oh my God, this is the longest ten-block walk home ever.

“How old were you when you had your first kiss?”

“I was eighteen.” Don’t laugh. It’s true. She laughs a hearty laugh.

“Umm…how old were you sweetie?”

“Mom, I wasn’t anything. I haven’t had a kiss and I don’t want one!”

THANK YOU GOD!

Oxygenate.

“Well you know if you ever have a crush or a kiss you can tell me about it okay?”

“I know mom. Last year I told Kelly I had a crush because she did and I didn’t want her to be alone. But really I didn’t.”

Mental note: schedule interrogation of Kelly, purchase ice cream as weapon.

“Well I can understand that. I guess boys and girls start liking each other at different ages which is pretty normal.”

Why the HELL is that normal? You’re just a little kid! A kid with gorgeous, straight, dark hair, huge brown eyes, a perfect year-round tan from the Indian/Irish blend…CRAP!

“I can’t believe you didn’t have a kiss until you were eighteen. That’s funny mom.”

Yeah. Laughing my ass off here.

Episode I: 6 weeks ago at PAWS Animal Shelter

“Mom, come look at how cute these dogs are!”

“Where Honey?”

“Right there! They’re dancing and one doggie has his paws on the other doggie’s hips from behind and they’re bouncing – it’s so cute!”

<Unmistakable, not so muffled giggle of other onlookers>

“Err…”  drag kid away to whisper: “Ummm…sweetie, remember that story from your reading book from school about the grasshoppers mating…?”

<Kid looks horrified; will need therapy in her twenties…>

Episode 2: Last week, on a walk with Orzo the Dog, my little miss, J., and his daughter

“Mom, are we getting Orzo that operation the vet talked about?”

“You mean neutering?  Yes honey, we are.”

“Well why?”

“Because…ummm…well we don’t want him humping and we aren’t going to try to have more puppies.”

“So will the doctor take his hump away?”

Decide to say to pass it off to J. as the answer could be yes or no, and we are now partnering as a single mom and single dad, aren’t we? ….”Honey, you are missing out on a spectacular conversation.  My little miss wants to know if the doctor is going to take Orzo’s hump away and I am not sure if I should say yes or no…what do you think?”

“I think she should ask her dad.”

<Plan to start a savings account Monday for future therapy needs for all of us>