Hi All:

Mandy at Since My Divorce continues to tell my story….this one relates how I started to dip my toes into the land of dating as a single mom (which often made me relaize I was standing in a swamp ) Oh well.  It ended well, didn’t it?

There is also another post about me trying to adjust to single life after my divorce..but unfortunately some things still remain tough.  That’s life – but I do choose to focus on all the gifts I’ve been given.

Thanks again Mandy!

Swati

Hi Everyone:

Mandy at Since My Divorce has another post up about me today…this one shares how I moved out of my house in an hour with my daughter one day during my divorce….now I look back and think,”Oh my. I did that. How did I have the strength to do that? Thank goodness I did that.  Thank goodness for my family and friends.”

Please do take a peek over there when you can.

Have a good day all -

Best,

Swati

Hi Everyone -

I am really honored that Mandy Walker, over at Since My Divorce, is doing a multi-part post on me…the first one, up today, takes us back to 2003 during the ugliness of my divorce….definitely a tough read for me as I think back…thank goodness her next post will be more about a better life in the aftermath.

Please go visit her blog and let us know what you think…

Thanks Mandy!

Swati

Hi Everyone:

Enjoy the insightful post below by Mandy Walker, author of the Since My Divorce blog. In this post, Mandy learns a valuable lesson about finding her voice after her divorce.

Now you may have noticed that I’ve been kind of quiet lately…I was blissfully wed on New Year’s Eve and once we return from our honeymoon,  you will hear all about it!

Happy New Year!

- Swati

*************

How often have you heard a divorce expert say: “There’s always learning that can come from divorce and it begins with you”?

It can sound scripted, impersonal and coming soon after or in the midst of divorce it may be hard to accept.

One of my early interviewees for my blog, Anka talked about how she recognized with the help of therapy why she kept picking the wrong man. At the time we talked I’d been divorced for about two years and I honestly thought I was fully recovered, healed and relatively unscathed. I had no issues to deal with. I thought that my learning had happened in the months leading up to the divorce when I made the decision to end my seventeen-year marriage.

That may have been true but there was a bigger lesson I was missing. Since then I’ve come to understand that, like Anka, it’s OK for me to have needs and it’s OK to making meeting those needs a priority. What’s not OK is not communicating those needs to others. That realization came from my introspection following my father’s death a year ago.

My father’s death left me an orphan in the U.S. with two siblings, one in England and one in South Africa. Suddenly I felt adrift and wondered who or what would hold our family together. Irrationally perhaps, I expected the relationship between my siblings and me to change. I thought somehow we’d be closer. That led me to wondering why we weren’t closer to begin with. How was it that we had ended up living on three separate continents?

The answer lay within our upbringing. I know that my parents loved me and loved me deeply but it was a love that was not verbally or visibly expressed. It was understood. I’ve also come to accept that I was pleaser. When I did something that pleased my parents, I knew then they loved me. Was it because I’m a middle child? Was it because I’m Libran? Was it because I’m sensitive to others? Or was it because I was painfully self-conscious and didn’t want to draw attention to myself?

Hence, my natural inclination was to go along with what others wanted even if it was not what I really wanted. If I kept quiet, there would be no arguments. I think I have a pretty easy-going disposition that makes it easy for me to compromise. That’s a good skill except that what I lacked was the self-confidence to express my disagreement openly. I remember as a child discussing an issue with my mum and her telling me that it would be best for not to raise it with dad, that she would do it, when the time was right. That usually happened in private because I rarely heard my parents argue.

Inevitably, this was how I approached with disagreements with husband. For example, I was the primary breadwinner. My husband was a teacher. The discrepancy in our salaries at first was small but grew very quickly to an easy six figures. He was never comfortable with the imbalance. He would not publicly admit the disparity and when I was awarded another raise or bonus, his reaction would typically be one of jealously, anger that teachers don’t get the recognition they deserve. My business travel often took me to luxurious resorts which upset my husband even further because, teachers never to get to travel to fun places.

For my part, instead of confronting this, I looked for ways to work around this fearful that if I did object, our marriage would be over. I thought it was best not to talk about it, it could only make matters worse. I thought that sooner or later he would come round. Early on, I made sure we had a joint credit card so my husband could take the typical male role and pay bills when we were socializing. At some point I stopped sharing news about bonuses with him. My business trips I kept as short as possible, ensuring there was no time to actually enjoy those luxurious resorts and leaving little time to network. Ultimately, I never felt I had a successful career.

With hindsight, I can see that what I craved was recognition and support from my husband but he was not a mind reader and I was a pleaser.

By the time, I started to think about divorce I was lost, numb. I no longer knew what I wanted in life. I was going through the motions of living and was increasingly withdrawing and avoiding socializing. I have wondering if I was clinically depressed.

Telling my husband I wanted to end our marriage was easily the hardest discussion I have ever had. Although I didn’t recognize it at the time, I see now that it was also the beginning of a new me. It was the first time in a very long time that I had given voice to my core needs, needs that were clearly not the same as those of my husband.. And while he was against our divorce, I was convinced there was nothing he or I could do to reignite the love I had once felt. I was unwilling to compromise and that too, was very difficult for me to do.

My intuition tells me this is THE lesson I was meant to learn. This is the lesson I had to learn before I started dating. This is the lesson that will help me experience richer, deeper and more meaningful relationships. This is the lesson I’m meant to share with my children.

Mandy Walker writes the blog, Since My Divorce , a collection of stories mostly from women about life after divorce, the challenges, the obstacles, the triumphs and the joys.

Hi Everyone:

I am heading off on vacation so we have some guest bloggers making an appearance over the next week…you are in for an amazing piece of writing today courtesy of fellow single mom and blogger Mandy Walker.  Mandy writes the blog Since My Divorce, where she shares the stories of  women describing their lives after divorce, so other women will know that the end of a marriage means a new beginning.

I know you’ll be moved, just as I was, with the very personal way in which Mandy shares her moment of enlightenment with us.

- Swati

Learning to Trust My Gut

Divorce, for me, was and continues to be a learning opportunity, mostly about me. One of my most valuable lessons has been learning to trust to my gut or put another way, listening to my emotions and paying attention to them.

I’ve learned I’m a pleaser by nature – I’m a Libran, which means I like peace and harmony. Nothing wrong with that except that ever since I was a child, I’ve often kept quiet about my own needs so as not to rock the boat. I don’t voice my own needs easily. My upbringing taught me to look at issues logically and rationally rather than emotionally; there is no point in getting upset about something that makes sense so don’t waste your energy. Accept it and move on.

I was married for almost seventeen years. It was never an easy marriage, except perhaps in the early years before the children came along. Regardless, I’d vowed to be faithful in sickness and in health ‘til death and the very thought of divorce was foreign. For one thing, no one in my family had been divorced and I had no friends who’d experienced it. Divorce was something that happened to other people and I felt that getting divorced would be like admitting I’d failed, that I’d made a bad decision. Every time the thought popped into my head, I simply pushed it away – wasn’t going to happen to me.

Then, I was visiting a very good friend – she lives in England, I’m in the U.S. so we don’t get to see each other very often but we’ve been friends for thirty years now. Quietly over a cup of tea, she asked if I’d thought about divorce. I explained I didn’t think it was an option because it wouldn’t change much, after all, we had two children and I’d still have to communicate with my husband. She left it at that.

When I got back to the U.S. the question kept popping into my head, refusing to be ignored. Finally, I thought I’d seek the help of a therapist. I went to see one who my acupuncturist recommended. To be perfectly honest, when I first met her I thought she was a little weird. I didn’t mind that she was Buddhist but what felt so strange was the way she started the session. She wanted me to sit on the couch, hands in my lap, close my eyes and breathe. Then to talk about how that felt, did I feel tension anywhere, did I feel any sensations, what was uncomfortable. Well, just doing that and then talking about it made me uncomfortable although I don’t think I told her that … remember, I like to please.

I learned that this was body-centered psychotherapy (see the United States Association of Body Psychotherapy). Others call it your Internal Guidance System. As we talked about whether to end my marriage, we used this technique to test various decisions. Could I visualize being single? Was I ready to tell my husband? How did I feel about possibly not seeing my children every day? How did I feel about giving up the secure financial future?

My therapist and that technique guided me through the hardest and most painful decision I’ve ever had to make and guided me toward a much happier future. I still use the technique. Sometimes now, it instinctive like when I’m juggling priorities when there aren’t enough hours in the day and I’m trying to decide what can give or I’m trying to choose a contractor for a home maintenance task.

Other times I’m less tuned in to what my gut is telling me: the knot and burning sensation at the base of my neck on my right side develops, screaming at me to stop what I’m doing and to listen. Then, I work through a process of elimination to discover the cause – could it be an event or meeting I’ve accepted that I don’t want to go to? Could it be the argument I had last night with my daughter? Could it be that I haven’t been spending enough time with my children? Could it be something that someone said to me that has upset me?

When I hit on the right cause, the knot intensifies and then I work through possible solutions. The solution that feels right is the one that makes the tension ease. Yes, it is usually that obvious and it is that immediate. If I don’t get that feeling, then I know I need to spend some more time thinking it through.

I’m not saying I always make the “right” decisions now but I am much more confident I’m making the decisions that are right for me, decisions that factor in all that touchy feely stuff, decisions that recognize my needs, decisions that are true to me and I know I’m a happier person for it.

Hi Everybody:

I am so very honored today to be a guest blogger at my bloggy pal Mandy’s site Since My Divorce.  My article, titled Universal Truths About Divorce, is featured there today – please check it out and let us know what you think!  (FYI  for all you single moms, single dads, and kidless divorced folks, I do make mention of belly dancin’ )

Mandy is a divorced herself, focused on finding the good that can come from divorce – I know you’ll enjoy her blog very much.

Thanks Mandy, for having me at your site today!

Have a super day!

Swati

Article link in case you need to cut and paste: http://sincemydivorce.com/more-universal-truths-about-divorce/

“I’ll change. I’m trying…”  He looked at her, tears slowly making their way down his cheeks.  His pleas continued.  At this moment, he was sober.

Strange, she thought, how she couldn’t really hear his specific words.  What once would have been irrelevant details to their conversations – the teeny coffee stain on her slacks, the bottle of olive oil on the counter, the cold December wind – were now main stage particulars demanding her full attention.

She nodded at him as her mind traveled back four weeks; he hadn’t come home that night.  It wasn’t the first time it had happened.  Except now, she just went to bed and slept.

The Relationship (links to all chapters below)

Chapter One http://tinyurl.com/yhou79l

Chapter Two http://tinyurl.com/yksuuvn

Chapter Three http://tinyurl.com/ygurdm6

Chapter Four http://tinyurl.com/yzbeolz

Chapter Five http://tinyurl.com/yfewu4r

Chapter Six http://tinyurl.com/yzdwro8

Chapter Seven http://tinyurl.com/ykh2982

“So Mom, do you want to play this game with me?  You go first with the  ‘I feel…’  part.”

“Okay…,” said distracted me to my eight-year-old daughter, who had been wanting to play a game.  “I feel like eating ice cream.”

“I feel sad when my dad lies to me.”

Whoa.  I stopped doing the dishes, while emptying the dishwasher, while making lunch, while cleaning off the counter, while changing the trash bag.  We were playing a game, weren’t we?

Seeing the look on my face, my daughter said, ”Want me to read the instructions again?” And she continued without out pause: “Talking about feelings hurts no one.  If I say,’ I am angry,’ that doesn’t hurt you.  If I say,’I am lonely,’ that lets you know me better.  The secret is to start by saying, ’I think, I feel, I want.’  Ready Mom?”

I nodded.

But let me back up.

My daughter had gone to my desk in my pseudo-office in our living room.  On it, she went to the *stack* of books (er…eight of them now) I am committed to doing reviews on.  And she gravitated towards Liking Myself by Pat Palmer.

In case you are new to my single mom world, the summary is that her dad enjoys talking about me constantly when she is over there.  It’s been almost seven years since my divorce and guess who was just in court again?  Yes, me.  This is one tumultuous divorce that keeps on giving.

“Okay mom, I’ll go again – but why don’t you come sit here with me?  Ready?”

I nodded.  Again.

And my little lovely says,” I want my mom to stop worrying about me.”  Umm…okay?  I can’t?  I know you have it tough over there – so I’ll try not to?  I pause for an eternity.

And then, my daughter and I have one of the best conversations we have ever had about feelings, desires, and goings on in her head – and in her heart.  She reads the book, cover to cover, that Saturday.

Given our circumstances, I am constantly working on how to get her talking and get the “ouchies” out.  But honestly, even if you don’t have such drama and want to help your child express him/herself, this is a great place to begin.  This book made it so easy for us to talk (I would like to ask for a parent’s guide for when I’m floored though).

I could not possibly give this book higher marks if I tried. Liking Myself targets 5 to 9 years-olds in how it’s written (and obviously it works) and how it is visually depicted (the writing is printed like a kid or teacher write it neatly using the large lined paper I learned cursive on), with lots of simple sketches along the way (there are also books targeted to other age groups, like Teen Esteem.)

Dr. Palmer is now in her eighties and these books have recently been brought back into print (thank goodness) by a friend, publishers, and fellow author, Dr. Louise Hart.  This book has also been translated into five languages and the English version alone has sold over half a million copies.

I was also sent a second book by the Dr. Palmer titled The Mouse, the Monster, and Me.  It’s about being assertive (my daughter has no problem with this – I coulda used it when I was little though).  The book is illustrated in the same manner – and I do recommend it as well – especially if your child’s assertiveness wanders into begging, whining, crying (“mouse behavior”), or hitting, shouting and sulking (“monster behavior”).  The book helps kids ask for what they want and deserve (like respect) in productive and powerful ways.

Seriously, get the books.   Links to purchase appear below.

-          Swati

http://www.amazon.com/Liking-Myself-Pat-Palmer-ED-D/dp/0962283428/ref=ed_oe_p

http://www.amazon.com/Mouse-Monster-Me-Assertiveness-People/dp/0962283436/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b

http://www.upliftpress.com/index.htm (please paste into your browser; free shipping)

We began Valentine’s Day arguing.  Me and my little Moose, not me and J.  (Actually, J. and I had a *romantic* dinner Friday night, when neither of our urchins were around at a delicious place called Les Nomades).

But I digress from my tale of grumpiness.

The arguing with my daughter this morning.  Grrr.  Happens almost every Sunday morning.  See, she spends every Sunday at her dad’s and never wants to get moving to head there. I remind her that I don’t like hurrying her along – but I am obligated to get her there at 9:00am.  On cue, she doesn’t do a thing; she just sits on the couch, refusing to finish getting dressed, brush her hair or whatever activity I’ve just asked her to do.  Repeat this. Every Sunday.  Her dad is often not nice to her (and he’s always not nice to me) so I don’t blame her.  I wouldn’t want to go there either.  But I have to send her over there anyhow.  GROWL.

This morning was especially grump-inducing because we had an incident.  I was sitting next to her on the couch telling her to get moving, and, as I started to get up, she flung her arm in front of me to stop me from mobilizing.  Unfortunately, she had the TV remote in hand, which struck my cheekbone full on, like a hammer posed perpendicularly to strike my face.

You have never heard a real GROWL unless you have heard it coming from Mama Bear.  The air went still.  Under his breath, J. said “Uh…oh.”   Every muscle in my daughter’s body froze and she quickly said, ”I’msorrybutitwasanaccident!”

“Get. Dressed. Now.”  I growled in a loud whisper that was not a whisper at all.

She got dressed.

She doesn’t want to go, and I don’t want to send her.  But I have to.  And for some reason, this Sunday, I just couldn’t shake it off – the unfairness of it.

As were we leaving, she said, “Mom, will Daddy ever be nice to you?”  And I replied, “I don’t know Honey; but that doesn’t matter.  What matters is making sure he’s nice to you.”

It didn’t help much, but that’s all I had.

She quietly considered my response as we drove over to her dad’s apartment.

This book is one I wish I had in hand as I began thinking about my marriage and divorce.  Not because it would have changed my decision, but because it would have helped me move forward with more determination and confidence.  Why?  Because this book explores what characteristics make a marriage or a relationship foundationally solid.  And understanding those characteristics is worthwhile, whether you are hitting a rough spot or not.

I was hooked from page one, as a woman named Ann experiences one sleepless night after another and finds herself in a fantasy: leaving everything behind and running away from her broken marriage (that’s exactly what I did; actually, I went beyond the fantasy and moved out with babe in hand, in just an hour).  I found myself constantly nodding at so many of the anecdotes presented in the book; and, when it came to the stories of couples who really worked together to fix their relationship, it was wildly apparent that mine was black where there’s was white.

The book is organized into three main sections:

1. Defining an unhappy marriage and understanding the implications for you and your family of being in one.
2. Coming to grips with your fears about divorce and uncovering the myths.
3. What to expect if you decide to go.

How to Know If It’s Time to Go presents a comprehensive look at what emotions and fears you may have (i.e. how will the kids react?  How will my extended family feel?  Can I support myself?  I think my marriage is good enough.) as well as how to work through them.  It also pushes the reader to think about ways to save a marriage – and really explore whether all options have been exhausted.

How to Know If It’s Time to Go includes a couple of lists I plan to keep on hand for my personal relationship well-being.  The first list is the “Nine Areas of Marriage That Couples Must Come to Agreement On” (based on research conducted by James P. Peterson and Nicholas Zill). The nine areas are:

-          Money

-          Parenting

-          Sex

-          Relationships with extended family and friends

-          Religion

-          Household responsibilities and roles

-          Substance usage (alcohol, drugs)

-          Leisure time

-          Career and job-related issues

The researchers found that if you are in a marriage where only one or two areas flare up every now and then, you are one of the elite with a healthy marriage; failure to create “mutually acceptable” agreements in three or more of these topics means you are probably in a “high conflict” marriage.  What I appreciate about this list is that it can be used proactively to build towards a healthy relationship – and it’s not overwhelming.

The second list I am keeping on hand (because I am an optimist) is the “Marriage Bill of Rights.”   It’s a list of “Rights” that each partner should be able to expect from each other, such as loyalty, partnership, companionship, caregiver, and mutual respect.  I think this is a good list to use in a marriage – but also before you step into one (I’m happy to report that I feel good about these Rights in my current relationship).

Some facts I found particularly interesting:

• Five years after divorce, 75% of women feel better and are financially stable; the same is true for two-thirds of men.
• 2.5 million adults and 1 million children live through divorce every year in the US.
• One study followed 15,000 children of divorced couples.  Two-third of the children fared better behaviorally and academically two years after their parents’ separated or divorced in comparison to the time period before separation (i.e. it’s not a great idea to stay in an unhappy marriage “for the kids”).

The practical tone of this book, coupled with its well-timed questions, and poignant, relationship-focused anecdotes gives this book a thumbs up in my view.

Swati (link to book below)

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/How-to-Know-If-Its-Time-to-Go/Lawrence-Birnbach/e/9781402766435/