TO DATE OR NOT TO DATE: SINGLE MOM DATING CONUNDRUM (Guest Post from Choice Mom, Kelly O)

Hi Everyone:

I am so happy to have Kelly as a guest writer today.  Kelly O is a choice mom – a single mom of two little angles whom she adopted.  She works in sales the technology industry and her entrance in to the “blogging arena” began as she chronicled the adoptions of her two children at KO’s Talkin’..Ya’ll Should be Listenin’.  Kelly’s goal is to celebrate the mundane and often overwhelming events of day to day Mommy Life.  And guess what?  She is ready to date again after much pondering (My thoughts?  Go Kelly go!  Don’t do it Kelly!  Go Kelly go!)  As you can see, I’ve been of tremendous help to her.  Here are Kelly’s wonderful, silly, torturous musings on jumping back into dating as a single mom:

SINGLE MOM DATING CONUNDRUM

I sincerely want to thank Swati for asking me to be a guest blogger.  It is an honor to be in the company of such a cool and dedicated Mom!

Okay so I am single mom of 7 kids –not really – but it feels like that at times.  I have two girls, one 17 months and one 3 ½.  I have not had a date in, well, a long time.  I am pondering getting back on the horse as they say. It is not as if the men are beating down my door – but I imagine, with some creativity, I could muster up a fella.

Why?  Well there are a number of reasons.  I MISS, really MISS men.  I miss their smell, I miss feeling another body beside me at night. I miss that feeling of comfort when you really know someone and they know you.  And I want that; I want that again.  I want to really love again; I know what it feels like and I want it.  I like being in a relationship; I feel at home in one.   And there is…you know….the hubba hubba – God KNOWS I miss that.

But I am scared – scared of being vulnerable, scared of wasting my time, scared of dating disasters (so so many of these).  I have these flashbacks, flashbacks to when I was dating. An example:  new to Denver I joined Its Just Lunch.  They fixed me up with this… this…. Camper.   He proceeded to tell me over our date how he takes his 15-year-old RV in to a valley in Utah and lives there for … like … weeks …. by himself and eats nuts and critters.  Okay Ted Kacynski – this is not working for me.  I was very clear in my profile; there will be no camping unless I run out of gas.

Then I think, okay maybe I won’t have any more of those “I wish I were invisible” dates.

But then how do you to it…. How do you manage the time?  How do you find time for just the email or phone banter?  What about time to you know… date?  And then what about S….E……X.  I mean I have kids now – where does he stay or does he stay? (Perhaps I should have the actual date before I plan the morning after….). And the babysitter – well she is $15 an hour – I mean it will have to be a helluva of a man for me to cough that up on a routine basis.  Or do you only date rich men and make them pay for the sitter (I like this option)?

So I noodle on the how-to’s of this conundrum.  My mind flips back to a fix up I had a year and a half or so ago with a ex-Marine.  My friend went on and on– he is handsome, nice, smart, etc.  Just about ready for the date and nervous. DING DONG!   Good God that can’t be him… I am meeting him at the restaurant.  It is my friend.  You look great she tells me.  Whew!  Then she whips something out of her pocket:

“Okay I have my tweezers… we need to check for chin hairs”.  Ok then.

We meet (me and the man that is).  He is handsome and nice.  We get on the subject of the pending election (2008).  I tell him I am an Independent.  He says “well how do you justify the SIN of abortion?”  AND… we are done.   Seriously I am Southern, I know all about sins.  Remembering that he had been a fighter pilot I said “well hang on there… weren’t you a fighter pilot?”

“Yes, yes, I was and I see where you are going with this.  But did you know there is a hierarchy of sins?”  And we are double-done-stick-a-fork-in-it-the-goose-is-COOKED.  I paid the sitter $45 for this sermon.

There will be some good ones right, some fun dates?  But where are they?  Where do you find the boys?  I mean do you have to go online?  Can you just go somewhere like where they you hang out (their natural habitat) , maybe a sports bar or a sporting event?  What about Home Depot – there are guys all over that place.

I could try a different venue – a place I don’t normally meet men.  I did that once you know at Barnes and Noble.    There was a guy in the self-help section (my personal favorite).   He was not exactly dressed as my normal stockbroker/lawyer type.  I thought, “well you know Kelly that look has not been all that fruitful for you – so let’s give this a try.”  He says he owns a carpet cleaning business – oh, well that is something, that could be lucrative.

Cut to lunch 3 days later.  I arrive in my business suit.  I see an old SAAB pulling in the parking lot.  It is so heavily loaded it is barely clearing the pavement.  It is about 2002 and I am guessing the SAAB is a 1984.  It is my guy – oh God.   I see a flurry of activity as he CHANGES CLOTHES in his car.  You can see him ransacking through the car –  out he comes in ratty jeans and a wrinkled shirt.  We order lunch and I suggest a booth in the very back in case any of my colleagues come in.  My carpet cleaner proceeds to tell me that he cleans only ONE carpet per day, maybe one every other day – he doesn’t like to be stressed you see.    And he has been living with 4 other people in a house (a commune of sorts) but now… the owner of the house has kicked them out.  Soooooo he just lives out of his car and finds random places to shower.  He, friends, IS HOMELESS.  OMG OMG OMG  This is so not my dream date.

Now I hear that the online services are great.  You always see ads on TV about how I met my soulmate on eHarmony or Match.com.  I did actually try an online dating services a long time ago.  I met a guy; we had a four hour conversation.  We agree to meet.  He tells me “you will not be disappointed”  Jinx!

I am actually excited.  He is tall; which, I like.  We are meeting on a fall day in at a local restaurant.  He walks in sporting a Nantucket Gorton’s fisherman type jacket.

Um….where is the lighthouse?  There are no fish… there is no wharf… Turned off but open.

He proceeds to go on and on for damn ever about how fabulous he is. Where is the 4 hour conversation guy???

I fiddle with my phone under the table and finally make it go off.   “Oh Beth … oh my gosh….I am so sorry… I’ll be right over” – totally made up my escape story – some lifesaving of my friend’s baby thing.  I damn near sprint out – he calls my cell – 5 times.  I finally pick up – “you know… I don’t get it… my sister said I will have all kinds of women because I am so smart and handsome (and did she mention humble?).  You know I don’t think you find me attractive”.  Backpedal – make up excuses.  Hang up – here he comes again.  Has he never been told NO?  He starts again with the you don’t think I am handsome thing…. Well enough is enough..  Finally I had to say “you know… I am sorry, I just don’t … I do not find you attractive.   I cannot help it.  I am a nice person and you pushed me here.  I wish you the best but I am not for you”.  A few more calls and he finally gave up.  Thank God– I hate fish sticks.

I laugh at all of these dating stories now.  So many things I didn’t see coming, so many things I learned.   I AM READY.  The good will outweigh the bad – but you have to get out there, right?  I mean Fed Ex is not going to deliver him to my door.   I seek the counsel of you wise women.  What and how to proceed?

I would love to know what worked and what didn’t, what you liked and what made you want to jump out a window.

Time is of the essence here sisters.  My next call may well be the psychic hotline.

Kelly O.

Tags: adopted, adoptions, choice mom, date, dating, Dating as a Single Mom, eHarmony, Match.com, mommy, psychic hotline, self-help, single mom