Why I Don’t Date Men Without Children (Guest Post)

Hi Everybody:

I am so pleased to have fellow single mom and author Tiia Jones joining us today with a guest post!!  Tiia is in the process of finishing her book, called Love, Alt, Delete: 237 First Dates that Changed My Life (though she’s still tweaking the title..).

I truly enjoy her posts – sometimes silly, sometimes hilarious, and sometimes so deeply moving.

You can also check out her writings and musings and flirtations at her blog….but first take a read about her mommy moment, when she realized why she doesn’t date men without kids…I think any parent can relate to this…tell us what you think.

The Wagon Incident, or Why I Don’t Date Men Without Children

First, I want to thank Swati for inviting me to be a guest poster on her terrific blog. I so enjoy her stories and insights. I’ve especially enjoyed the window that she provides into other single moms’ lives through the re-telling of their stories. So I decided to tell one of mine.

There was a time when I dated men who did not have children. I figured I’d judge them each by their individual merits. That all ended with the incident of the wagon.

I was living in Colorado Springs at the time and dating a (childless) man named John. The weather became uncharacteristically sunny and warm early in December which was a nice break from the snow and ice. John was driving to our house for dinner, and I decided to go for a run and take advantage of the nice weather.

When I left the townhouse complex, the neighborhood kids were taking turns pulling each other in a red wagon in the back courtyard. I left Leah with her favorite babysitter and as I put on my headphones I saw that she was in the wagon for her turn. After pushing myself for ten minutes—gasp, must, have, oxygen–I saw several people running in the direction from which I had come. I switched off my music and heard sirens.

“What’s happening?” I asked a tall boy running towards the townhouse complex.

“Some kid went over the ravine in a wagon,” he answered and continued running.

You hear about mothers lifting cars off of their children, but I had never experienced the adrenaline rush that accompanies the thought that something has happened to your child. To say that I sprinted the mile or so back to the courtyard would be the understatement of the decade. I ran as if my life depended on it, praying the whole time. When I got there, I looked around frantically.

At that moment, my babysitter’s mother ran up to me. “It’s ok. It wasn’t Leah. It was another little boy. Erica has her. She’s fine.”

I sat down right there on the asphalt, and I realized there were tears streaming down my cheeks. Erica walked up with Leah.

“Mommy, Jeffrey fell over into the river in the wagon,” Leah said. “Why are you crying?”

I was laughing and crying and shaking and took her in my arms, still sitting on the ground. John must have arrived during all of the commotion because he walked up and looked at me with questioning eyes. He scanned all of the people and emergency vehicles and my disheveled appearance. Erica’s mother pulled him aside and explained what had happened.

He came back over to us and smiled. “Wow that was a close one.”

“Yeah, it was terrifying. I can’t even explain it,” I said. I still couldn’t seem to get up. John put his arm around me somewhat awkwardly. He seemed embarrassed by my show of emotion. “What’s all this about?” he asked.

“I was really scared,” I answered in between choking sobs, “I thought it was her.”

“Yes,” he said through clenched teeth and with forced patience, “but it wasn’t. So it’s ok.”

I stared at him for a long few seconds. “No, it’s not. It could have been her. You have no idea at all how this feels, do you?”

In that moment, I realized he would never have any idea how it felt even if he tried with all of his might. That stop-your-heart-fear is something that only a parent can understand. And I personally wasn’t willing to continue to date someone who couldn’t relate. It wasn’t the first time in our relationship and I knew it wouldn’t be the last.

It was a turning point for me as I replayed my baby going over that ravine in the red wagon over and over again.  The wagon became my symbol for every man without children who said, “C’mon Babe just give me a try! I love kids.” I’d picture the shiny, red wagon and respond, “I’m sure you do, but you just have no idea how it feels.”

Tags: children, date, dating, love.com, men, parent, single mom, tiia jones