Good day fellow non-campers (and campers who look upon us luxury-hotel-preferring-mannequins with a mix of pity and kindness)…my wonderful blogger friend Naomi de la Torre, mother of two year old and five year old boys and proprietor of the Organic Motherhood With Coolwhip blog, has graciously agreed to write a guest post for us and I am so, so happy to have her visiting us! Her musings on motherhood are funny, silly, honest, and revealing (sometimes more revealing than you expect :-)!)…so check out what she wrote below about her adventures in camping…and then check out her blog!
Camping Tips From the Indoorsy
If there is anything that I hate, it’s camping. I know, I know. I’m sure there are about 8 billion avid campers out there that are just chomping at the bit to tie me to a tent pole and cover me with leeches and frog innards. But seriously. What exactly is fun about being a million miles from civilization, with no hair dryer, sand in your underwear, a pile of rocks as a bed, and no way to communicate with the world, not even Wifi?
It is beyond me. Really. But ever since we had kids, my husband has been begging and pleading with me to go camping. He even pulled out all the stops and offered to put on that tiger thong I got him as a gag gift one year. And well, that was pretty hard to resist.
So … finally, a few years ago I relented. What could be so bad about a couple of days roughing it in the Great Outdoors? It might even be nice, right? Sunshine. Afternoons by the river. Cool breezes. Campfires. Hot smoky delicious BBQ…
Yeah, all that might have been nice if you didn’t also add torrential rainstorms alternating with three-digit-temperatures, a collapsed tent, port-a-potties that resembled the inside of Uncle Lester’s colon, hour long lines for the shower, and a WWIII style fire ant and chigger infestation.
Needless to say, I wasn’t a camping convert.
But somehow, I did get roped into returning every year since. Because the kids loved it. And I’m a sucker for the children.
This year, we decided to rough it a little less and we rented a cabin. The cabin was Nirvana. It had central AC, a mini-fridge, a two-burner stovetop, cabinets for food storage, real beds, and (most importantly) its very own bathroom.
Unfortunately, the bathroom came in EXTRA handy this year because we all got struck down with some kind of horrific stomach bug that gave everyone bad gas and state-of-the-art diarrhea.
Have you ever camped with a bunch of people suffering from bad gas and state-of-the-art diarrhea? It’s a special experience.
Starting from the road trip where your two-year-old blows out his diaper all over his car seat and you aren’t able to get into your cabin until several hours later. So you spend the first hour of your camping trip hosing toxic green diarrhea off your car seat by the side of the road with all the help of a leaky spigot and a pack of Wet Wipes. Yeeeeeaaaaaah. These are good times. Are you jealous yet?
Then you spend the rest of the trip either running to the bathrooms (which are NO WHERE by the way when you are in the middle of the forest) or trying to act like you didn’t crap yourself while your family and hundreds of other campers look on and pretend not to notice the green slime oozing out of your bathing suit.
And so, thanks to my very special personal experience, I am here to give you just a few camping tips from the indoorsy type:
- If you plan to go camping, make sure to pack plenty of extras. You never know what your experience will entail and being extra prepared is always a benefit. Extra swimsuits, extra toilet paper, extra Imodium AD, and most especially extra car seats for both of your children. Just in case they both get a raging case of diarrhea en route. This way, you can just throw away the diarrhea car seats and not spend half your trip smelling rotting diarrhea.
- Also bring an extra tent in case your tent shreds apart in the torrential rainstorm that is bound to happen even if the weather predicts sunny skies straight for the next three months.
- Make sure to pack a full first aid kit in case you get attacked by a colony of fire ants and all their ant brethren from the adjoining four states.
- Pack no less than 75 packages of Wet Wipes and 62 cans of Lysol. Trust me that you will need them all when you are dealing with the aftermath of previously mentioned diarrhea blowouts.
- No matter how much your children beg you, do not spend time in the stagnant water at the edges of the creek looking for tadpoles. The thousands of chigger bites you will discover several days later all over your ladyparts will most certainly be enough to require hospitalization and years of therapy.
- Any camping trip that ends with a torrential rainstorm and a visit from the park rangers to inform you that if you don’t leave the park within three minutes or less, you may be stuck for the next week or so—is always a plus. Consider such events good luck, pop another Imodium AD, and book your camping trip for next year immediately.