I Feel Sad When My Dad Lies to Me
“So Mom, do you want to play this game with me? You go first with the ‘I feel…’ part.”
“Okay…,” said distracted me to my eight-year-old daughter, who had been wanting to play a game. “I feel like eating ice cream.”
“I feel sad when my dad lies to me.”
Whoa. I stopped doing the dishes, while emptying the dishwasher, while making lunch, while cleaning off the counter, while changing the trash bag. We were playing a game, weren’t we?
Seeing the look on my face, my daughter said, ”Want me to read the instructions again?” And she continued without out pause: “Talking about feelings hurts no one. If I say,’ I am angry,’ that doesn’t hurt you. If I say,’I am lonely,’ that lets you know me better. The secret is to start by saying, ’I think, I feel, I want.’ Ready Mom?”
I nodded.
But let me back up.
My daughter had gone to my desk in my pseudo-office in our living room. On it, she went to the *stack* of books (er…eight of them now) I am committed to doing reviews on. And she gravitated towards Liking Myself by Pat Palmer.
In case you are new to my single mom world, the summary is that her dad enjoys talking about me constantly when she is over there. It’s been almost seven years since my divorce and guess who was just in court again? Yes, me. This is one tumultuous divorce that keeps on giving.
“Okay mom, I’ll go again – but why don’t you come sit here with me? Ready?”
I nodded. Again.
And my little lovely says,” I want my mom to stop worrying about me.” Umm…okay? I can’t? I know you have it tough over there – so I’ll try not to? I pause for an eternity.
And then, my daughter and I have one of the best conversations we have ever had about feelings, desires, and goings on in her head – and in her heart. She reads the book, cover to cover, that Saturday.
Given our circumstances, I am constantly working on how to get her talking and get the “ouchies” out. But honestly, even if you don’t have such drama and want to help your child express him/herself, this is a great place to begin. This book made it so easy for us to talk (I would like to ask for a parent’s guide for when I’m floored though).
I could not possibly give this book higher marks if I tried. Liking Myself targets 5 to 9 years-olds in how it’s written (and obviously it works) and how it is visually depicted (the writing is printed like a kid or teacher write it neatly using the large lined paper I learned cursive on), with lots of simple sketches along the way (there are also books targeted to other age groups, like Teen Esteem.)
Dr. Palmer is now in her eighties and these books have recently been brought back into print (thank goodness) by a friend, publishers, and fellow author, Dr. Louise Hart. This book has also been translated into five languages and the English version alone has sold over half a million copies.
I was also sent a second book by the Dr. Palmer titled The Mouse, the Monster, and Me. It’s about being assertive (my daughter has no problem with this – I coulda used it when I was little though). The book is illustrated in the same manner – and I do recommend it as well – especially if your child’s assertiveness wanders into begging, whining, crying (“mouse behavior”), or hitting, shouting and sulking (“monster behavior”). The book helps kids ask for what they want and deserve (like respect) in productive and powerful ways.
Seriously, get the books. Links to purchase appear below.
- Swati
http://www.amazon.com/Liking-Myself-Pat-Palmer-ED-D/dp/0962283428/ref=ed_oe_p
http://www.amazon.com/Mouse-Monster-Me-Assertiveness-People/dp/0962283436/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b
http://www.upliftpress.com/index.htm (please paste into your browser; free shipping)
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Swati – your poor baby! I’m glad that the 2 of you have the type of relationship where she made the game and you two had a heart to heart. My heart breaks for her. My oldest has trouble communicating his feelings. I’ll have to check this book out. Thank you for the heartfelt review….
I am devasted to hear that your daughter has to deal with this. I wish your ex could be a nicer, better person. But at the same time, you are such a wonderful mom, and you are really helping her grow and learn the skills of how to express ourselves through our pain. Thanks for sharing these book titles. They do sound wonderful.
As always, beautiful writing. Beautiful message. Beautiful Swati.
I”m ordering the book today…
Thanks for sharing Liking Myself, and The Mouse, the Monster and Me. My kids loved them. My grand-kids love them.
I’m touched at how the little game helped your daughter be able to express and release her sadness, and how it deepened the communication and connections between you. That’s powerful!
These are “must-have” books for every family! They help both the kids, and the parents.
Naomi and Fiona, thanks for your support ladies. I’m lucky to have such a strong an insightful daughter – and I know it!
Fiona and Rebecca, I hope the books help your kids out; if you get them, please come back to share!
Dr. Hart, what an honor to have you visit my site! I’m so happy you helped Dr. Palmer get these back into print.
- Swati
It is so wonderful and affirming when your child feels safe enough and trusts you enough to share their feelings like that. That is a wonderful testament to the great job you are doing as a mother! I am definitely going to get that book. My 5 year old confounds me sometimes. Thanks for pointing it out!
Wow! What a touching story. You’re doing an amazing job that she is able to feel safe and open up to you like that.
We could use those books; thanks for the recommendation!!
I can’t even imagine having that conversation with my kids — kudos to you for making her feel welcome to share her tough stuff with you. She’ll treasure that openness her whole life.
Well that’s the strongest endorsement I’ve ever read! I’m definitely picking that up now! My youngest is on the cusp of being too old for it at 9, but anything that is such a great conversation-starter has to be worth having. I’m so glad the two of you had a chance to talk.
(And I think you handled it great by simply not saying anything during that long pause.)
I hope that my daughter, well both my kids, can communicate that well with me. You do have a very strong insightful daughter. I am sorry that you ex is giving you such headaches. My parents are divorced- happened in my teens- but my father would always talk badly about my mother to me and I was just let it go over my head. But it did put a huge wedge in-between him and me. I don’t even talk to him anymore. And it is fine. Throughout my teen years I was raised only by mother and I could not be happier.
Thanks for stopping by and following my blog!!
What a little princess! My heart melted for her.
I’m sorry about your ex. It’s too bad that we can’t change people. If we could, I’m not sure where this world would be!! LOL You know, you should talk to the One who CAN change him!! Try praying for him! (I don’t mean pray devistation on him!) You may be surprised at what God can do!
Blessings to you
Janet
Its a shame grown ups don’t know how to let kids be kids, at least your baby got you and she is comfortable enough to share her feeling with you. I will keep you guys in my prayers. Stay encourage! “this too will pass”
I welled up a little bit when I read this. Been there. I hate how little kiddos get stuck in the middle of divorce, but you’re being a great mom. The ease of communication between you and your daughter will come in handy in junior high and high school. Keep up the good work!
Swati, I love the level of communication that you two have achieved together.
You are a good mom. Did you feel the hug???
xoxooxM
Swati-
I had chills reading this. What a great post and thank you for the links. Teaching kids to communicate early on is a great gift. Thanks for sharing, Beth
All,
You are so kind to send me hugs and support…and of course you are right in saying that I am lucky to have a smart, insightful daughter with whom I have such great, open communication. Your personal stories always help me keep my chin up – and believing it will all work out in the end!
XO – Swati
Swati: First let me pause to say, “I LOVE THIS BLOG!” It’s just a sweet relief to see another caring “single mother” who is not so wrapped up in her own world that she takes the time to not only hear her child but, listen to her. May this tumultous divorce (mine is still going through courts six years later) not affect the mother in you.
-Jah bless,
Shayla Jones
Three Girls Against Domestic Violence
3gagainstdomesticviolence.blogspot.com
From a mother of five to you… you are doing a great job!
Wow Swati. Thanks for the post and the recommendations on the books. I hate when my little one feels sad because of the divorce. Almost makes me wish it hadn’t happened (almost).
FYI, please check out my post today. You’re a big winner!
http://bigcitydadnyc.blogspot.com/2010/02/todays-beautiful-blogger-awards-go-to.html
Thank you for the book recommend! I will definitely pick up Liking Myself. I need to find ways to access my daughter’s heart and mind more often. Other than occasional crying jags about how hard it is to go back and forth between homes, I don’t see much of what’s going on in her. What a powerful story about your daughter’s straightforward way of using this book. Kids always amaze me with how clearly they see things. My daughter’s biggest confusion comes from her dad (over 8 years after separation/divorce) continuing to tell her he loves me when I tell her I don’t love him.
Where I live at least there are state-mandated parenting classes for every divorcing parent, and that is rule numero uno: Don’t tell your child things about the other parent or put them in the middle of communication.
Then she asks, “What is so wrong with Daddy?” or “Why did you dump him?” And then I go into some rambling thing about how people can be friendly to one another without being in love with each other or able to live with each other. I will not let him in our home – sacred space boundary – so that confuses her too. She challenged me once asking if I had a choice between being put in a room with everything I’m allergic to (pet dander/nuts) or allowing her dad to come in our house, which would I choose? She’s too smart. I said if I had a choice between dying or letting him in the house, I’d probably leave the country. Not the best response probably, but she finally dropped it.
Hi Shayla: great blog you have over there and a big hug to you.
Big City Dad: you make me blush – thank you for the award!! And for your wonderful writing!
Erin: As always, I love to hear from you. I laughed about you saying you’d rather leave the country – you know we cannot be perfect all the time
!!
Swati
Great book review. It must be a good book to get your daughter to open up like that. What a wonderful gift for you. What age group is this targeted toward?
Hi Mandy – This book is for 5-9 year olds but Dr. Palmer and Dr. Hart also have teen books available. You can contact them at http://www.upliftpress.com/index.htm (please paste it in your browser) and I sure they will be happy to advise.
Glad you liked the review.
Swati
I’m going to get “Teen Esteem” for my 12 yo goddaughter! You’re almost at 200 followers. Congrats!
Hey Swati,
I am struggling with a stupid question, in a way, I want to leave my husband but dont have the heart to let my daughter have to spend time with him alone. He is a yeller, he is loud and aggressive (two guesses why I want to leave) and she is so sensitive and so little (under 2years). Any advice? it’s like the old Clash song if I stay there will be trouble if I go there will be double. How do you deal with letting your daughter go over and spend time with her dad when he has all these “issues”, how does it affect her? Any advice would be so appreciated.
Samantha – That is not a stupid question at all! It’s so tough – to pick between two options that aren’t any good. Both leave you with guilt! My daughter was young and I just thought to myself that I could either be there all the time and our lives would be 100% about protection mode – or I get out and show her at least 50% of the time (80% as it turned out to be) that life can be so much better if you take action to make it that. I couldn’t stand the thought of her ending up with someone like my ex – leaving her thinking that that’s how all relationships were. He has a girlfriend – who sometimes acts as a buffer – but it’s not easy. In fact many times it’s awful – but I can see her just light up when she gets back home – and that makes it worth it – I wanted her to feel what it was like to light up and know she could have a home like that – happy, peaceful, loving…am sending you a virtual hug!
Swati
Thanks swati really appreciate it. Now to find a good lawyer!